There’s an important email sitting in your inbox. You know you need to reply, but just thinking about it makes your stomach clench. So you decide to do it later. You close the tab and a wave of relief washes over you. The problem hasn't gone away, but for a few hours, it feels like it has. This pattern of avoidance is something we see all the time, and it’s one of the most common reasons people explore online cognitive behavioural therapy. It’s not a character flaw or a sign of weakness; it’s a very human response to feeling overwhelmed.
You might see it in other areas of your life, too. Maybe you avoid certain social situations, put off difficult conversations, or delay starting a project because the fear of not doing it perfectly is just too great. Each time you step back from the thing that causes you anxiety, you get that hit of relief. The trouble is, your brain learns from this. It starts to believe that avoidance is a brilliant strategy for survival.
But the relief is always temporary. The email is still there. The conversation still needs to be had. And what I’ve noticed is that the dread doesn't just return – it often comes back stronger. The anxiety you feel about the task grows in the space you’ve created by avoiding it.
The Avoidance Cycle: Why It’s So Hard to Stop
This pattern has a name: the avoidance cycle. It’s a powerful feedback loop that can quietly take over your life without you even realising it. It works something like this:
- You face a situation that triggers anxious thoughts (e.g., “I’m going to say the wrong thing and everyone will judge me”).
- These thoughts create uncomfortable physical feelings (a racing heart, tense muscles, a knot in your stomach).
- To escape these feelings, you avoid the situation.
- You experience immediate, short-term relief.
- Your brain concludes: “Avoiding that was a good idea! It kept me safe.”
The next time you face a similar situation, the initial anxiety is even higher because your brain is now primed to see it as a definite threat. It's a bit like walking around a small puddle on the pavement. The first time, it’s easy. But if you keep doing it, the puddle seems to get bigger and more menacing in your mind, until eventually, you’re crossing the road to get away from it.
This is why simply telling yourself to “just do it” rarely works. You’re not just fighting against a task; you’re fighting against a deeply learned pattern that your brain thinks is protecting you.
How Online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Can Help Break the Cycle
So, what can you do? This is where online cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be incredibly effective. CBT is a practical and structured type of therapy that helps you understand the connections between your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. It’s not about digging endlessly into your past, but about giving you tools to manage the here and now.
In a session, we wouldn’t start by forcing you to face your biggest fear. That would be overwhelming and unhelpful. Instead, we’d start by simply mapping out your own personal avoidance cycle. What specific thoughts pop into your head before you avoid something? What feelings come up in your body? What are the 'safety behaviours' you use?
Sometimes these are subtle. It might not be outright avoidance, but things like:
- Procrastinating: Tidying your entire house when you’re meant to be updating your CV.
- Over-preparing: Spending hours researching and planning for a five-minute presentation.
- Seeking reassurance: Constantly asking others if you’re doing something right.
By identifying these patterns together in a calm, non-judgemental space, they start to lose their power. You begin to see them for what they are: habits. And habits, with practice, can be changed. This process can be so helpful in managing the pressure that comes with everyday life, something we explore in our article on how CBT helps with stress.
Taking the First, Smallest Step
A core part of CBT involves gently and gradually facing the things you avoid. This is done through a technique sometimes called ‘graded exposure’. It sounds clinical, but in practice, it’s all about breaking things down into manageable steps.
Let’s go back to that scary email. Facing it might look like this:
- Step 1: Just open your email application. That’s it. Then close it.
- Step 2: Find the email and read it again. No need to reply.
- Step 3: Open a new draft reply. Don’t write anything yet.
- Step 4: Write just the subject line.
- Step 5: Write one single sentence of the reply.
Each step is small enough to feel doable, but it’s still a step forward. It teaches your brain something new: “I felt anxious, but I did it anyway, and I survived.” You learn that anxiety is an uncomfortable, but not a dangerous, emotion. You can feel it and still function.
From what I can tell, this process of building confidence one tiny step at a time is what makes the biggest difference for people. It’s not about a sudden, dramatic change, but a slow and steady expansion of what feels possible.
It’s Not Just You
Avoidance can be an incredibly isolating experience. It can seem like everyone else is sailing through life, making the calls, going to the parties, and getting things done without a second thought. This can lead to a profound sense of being different or flawed. If this sounds familiar, you might find our post on feeling different from everyone else speaks to what you’re going through.
It’s important to remember that this is a common struggle. Many high-achieving, competent, and successful people have pockets of their lives that are ruled by avoidance. You can be brilliant at your job but unable to make a simple phone call to book a dentist appointment. The two things aren't contradictory; they are just part of the complex picture of being human.
Sometimes, this pattern of avoidance is also tangled up with other difficult life experiences, such as loss. When you're trying to cope with grief, avoiding other emotional challenges can feel like a necessary survival tactic.
What to Expect from an Online CBT Session
The idea of starting therapy can, ironically, become another thing to avoid. You might worry about what you’ll have to talk about or what a therapist will think of you. Knowing what to expect can help. Our article on what happens during your first online CBT session gives a more detailed look, but the key thing to know is that you are in control.
It’s a collaborative conversation. We’ll work together to set goals that are meaningful to you. The convenience of online sessions means you can do this from a space where you already feel comfortable, without the added stress of travel. For many, this makes taking that first step much easier. If you’re weighing your options, you might find it helpful to read about whether online counselling is right for you.
We work on a session-by-session basis, so you are never locked into a long-term commitment. Our fee is £68 for a full hour session. This transparency is important to us; it ensures you can plan and proceed at a pace that feels right for you.
Breaking the cycle of avoidance isn’t about becoming a different person or eliminating anxiety from your life entirely. It’s about learning that you can handle the feeling of anxiety without letting it make your decisions for you. It’s about getting to the end of the day and realising you did the thing you were dreading – and you’re okay. That feeling of competence and self-trust is what we can help you build.
If you recognise yourself in this pattern and are ready to see if a different approach is possible, we invite you to get in touch. You can book an initial online session with one of our qualified therapists through our secure online booking system.
Written by Sian Jones, Founder of Online CBT Counselling. Sian has extensive experience helping individuals manage anxiety, stress, low mood and other emotional challenges.