Is This Even Working?
You’ve done the hard part. You found a therapist, you have started having sessions, and you’re showing up and talking about things that are difficult. But a few weeks in, a quiet, nagging thought starts to creep in while you’re making dinner or trying to fall asleep.
“Is this actually working? I still feel anxious. I still had a low mood all weekend. Am I doing it wrong?”
It’s so easy to feel like you’re ‘failing’ at therapy. We’re often sold a story of dramatic breakthroughs and sudden epiphanies. We expect to feel noticeably better after each session, to see a clear, upward graph of our happiness. When reality doesn’t match that, disappointment can set in, followed closely by self-blame.
But what if I told you that this feeling is incredibly common? And that it doesn’t mean you’re failing at all. In my experience, it often means you’re right at the beginning of the real work.
The Myth of the Quick Fix
We live in a world that prizes speed and efficiency. We want instant downloads, next-day delivery, and quick fixes for our problems. So, it’s only natural to bring that same expectation to therapy. We hope for a clear diagnosis and a straightforward treatment plan that will resolve our issues in a neat, predictable timeframe.
The thing is, our minds and emotions don't work like a faulty boiler. The patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that bring us to therapy have often been with us for years, sometimes even decades. They are deeply grooved pathways in our brain, created through countless experiences. To expect those deep-seated patterns to be rewired in a handful of hours is, I think, a little unfair to ourselves.
Therapy is less like a surgical procedure and more like physiotherapy for the mind. You are gently and carefully working on muscles you haven't used in a while, or learning to move in a way that doesn’t cause injury. It takes repetition, patience, and sometimes it aches a bit before it feels stronger.
So, What Does Therapy Progress Actually Look Like?
If progress isn’t a sudden feeling of being ‘cured’, then what is it? It’s usually much quieter and more subtle than people expect. I've found that the first real signs of change are often small shifts in awareness, not big shifts in mood.
Real progress might look like this:
- Catching yourself in a spiral. You notice the familiar loop of anxious thoughts starting, but this time, you see it for what it is. You might not be able to stop it yet, but simply noticing it is a huge first step.
- A moment of hesitation. You're about to give your usual people-pleasing answer, but you pause for a split second. You might still say yes, but that pause is new. It’s a space where a different choice could one day exist.
- Naming the feeling. Instead of just a vague sense of dread, you find yourself thinking, “Oh, I’m feeling overwhelmed and a bit resentful right now.” Giving a name to the emotion takes away some of its power.
- A 'less bad' bad day. Perhaps you still had a day where your mood was low, but you managed to have a shower and eat a proper meal. That is a win. It shows a growing capacity to care for yourself even when things are tough.
I remember a client who, after two months of sessions, said the biggest change was that she could now sit with a difficult feeling for five minutes without immediately needing to scroll through her phone or find a distraction. To an outsider, that might sound small. To her, it was revolutionary. That’s what real therapy progress often looks like.
How Long Does CBT Take?
This is a question we get asked a lot. And it’s a fair one. When you’re investing time, money, and emotional energy, you want to have some idea of the timeline. With Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the answer depends entirely on what you’re working on.
For a very specific, isolated issue – like a fear of spiders or a particular social anxiety – CBT can be relatively short-term, maybe somewhere between 6 and 20 sessions. This is because the focus is narrow and the strategies are targeted.
However, many people come to us with more complex, deep-rooted patterns. Things like a lifetime of low self-esteem, a persistent inner critic, or a general sense of anxiety that colours everything. These issues are woven into the fabric of who you are. In these cases, asking “how long does CBT take?” is a bit like asking “how long does it take to get fit?”. There isn’t a single answer. It’s a gradual process, and that’s okay.
This is one reason we provide online therapy in the UK on a session-by-session basis. You are in control. There's no long-term commitment, allowing us to work at a pace that feels right for you. The first few sessions are often about building that therapeutic relationship and getting a clear picture of the landscape. Trust is essential, and it's important to know how to find an online therapist you can actually trust before you even begin.
Feeling Worse Before You Feel Better
There's something else that can happen in therapy that feels like a step backwards. Sometimes, as you begin to talk about and explore difficult experiences, you can feel more emotional or unsettled. It’s a bit like clearing out a very cluttered and dusty attic; you have to pull everything out and make a mess before you can start to organise it.
Opening up old wounds can be painful. This discomfort isn't a sign that the therapy is failing. On the contrary, it’s often a sign that you are starting to touch on the things that truly need attention. It's a testament to your courage. Understanding why change feels so difficult can be a helpful part of this process.
Progress isn't a straight line. I often tell clients to imagine it more like a spiral staircase. Sometimes you'll feel like you're looking at the same old view, but you're actually one level higher than you were before. You’ll have weeks where you feel like you’re making huge strides, and other weeks where you feel stuck or like you've slipped back into old habits. This is the rhythm of healing. It’s not linear, much like when grief doesn't follow a straight line.
How to Get the Most Out of Your Sessions
Setting realistic therapy expectations is key, but there are also things you can do to support your own progress.
Be Honest with Your Therapist: This is probably the most important one. If you feel like you’re not making progress, or if something isn't landing right with you, please tell us! It’s not criticism; it’s crucial information. A good therapist will welcome this conversation. It allows us to adjust our approach or explore what might be getting in the way.
Notice the 'In-Between' Moments: The therapy doesn't just happen for one hour a week. The real work is often in the days between sessions. It’s noticing your reaction to a colleague's email, reflecting on why you avoided making that phone call, or trying out a small new behaviour. That’s where change takes root.
Celebrate the Small Steps: We’re often so focused on the huge end goal that we dismiss the small victories. Did you manage to state an opinion in a meeting? Did you go for a walk when you wanted to stay in bed? Acknowledge it. These are the building blocks of confidence. Learning how to build confidence one small step at a time is the most sustainable way forward.
Be Patient with Yourself: You are unlearning patterns that have likely served a purpose for a long time, even if they no longer help you. It takes time. Offer yourself the same compassion and patience you would offer to a good friend who was struggling.
Ultimately, therapy is not a race. There is no finish line you are failing to cross. It’s a process of developing a deeper understanding of yourself, of recognising your patterns, and of slowly, intentionally, building new ways of being in the world. It’s about feeling less alone with your struggles and knowing you have a dedicated space to work through them.
If you're feeling discouraged, perhaps the most helpful reframe is to shift the goal from 'getting better' to 'getting to know yourself better'. The former puts you under immense pressure, while the latter invites curiosity and self-compassion. And from that place, lasting change can truly begin.
If you’re considering online counselling and want to explore these challenges in a supportive environment, we’re here to help. We offer sessions across the UK, booked one at a time with no long-term commitment. Our fee is £68 for a full hour session. You can contact us to book an initial appointment and we can start to explore what’s happening for you.
Written by Sian Jones, Founder of Online CBT Counselling. Sian has extensive experience helping individuals manage anxiety, stress, low mood and other emotional challenges.
